Manners - How Important Are They?

Most studies show the over 75% of all Americans think that manners are declining. But how important are manners in the grand scheme of things? Again we can trace the decline of manners to the 1960's. As our culture became more obsessed with "I" and "me", we started to care less about others. Our community suffers as a result and we become less civil and respectful to each other. We simply don't care what others think. This sort of independence was fostered and taught to generations of children who now believe that their opinion is so precious that they have a right to be heard and expressed no matter what the situation. Independence and free thought are wonderful, but without understanding or compassion, it can be destructively self-centered. A detached, self-absorbed, independent free thinker cares nothing about the community and in our society where the loudest or wackiest get the most ink,it becomes satisfying and self promoting.

In our society, it is becoming increasing hard to have a civil debate. A respectful sharing of opinions simply doesn't happen very much anymore. From local board of education meetings to Rep. Joe Wilson yelling "You lie!" to the President during a speech to Congress, it's obvious that people are having an increasingly difficult time debating civility. To do this, we must open our minds to other possibilities and opinions. In other words we have to care what other people are thinking. We need our society to learn how to "play well with others". This means our children's have to socialize more and not spend 4 hours a day watching TV and 2 more on the computer or video games. We have to eat meals with our kids and spend quality, meaningful time with them. We have to teach them that every one's opinion counts and it's OK to disagree. Raising a thoughtful, independent, respectful, free thinking child is my life's ambition as a parent, but I know I have to struggle daily with the influences that could potentially eat away at my good intentions.

Respect and self-esteem seem to be the primary factors with this issue. A lack of respect for others and a feeling that ones opinion counts more than their neighbors. Everyone believes they are more informed or more enlightened than those with differing views. It becomes increasing hard to debate without someone taking it personally, so people have a whole host of "taboo" subjects. Twenty years ago it was common for a parent or teacher to verbally discipline another families children if they saw bad behavior. Now the fear of retribution limits it. One reason is that the standard of acceptable behavior twenty years ago was much more narrow, now the range of acceptable behavior is so wide parents don't want to comment on it.

The problem with trying to correct bad manners in today's society is that others are not shamed into better behavior anymore. If someone sees another exhibiting good manners, they frequently are not compelled to improve their own manners and may in fact ridicule them. We have to instill the independence and character of our children to withstand the assault of bad manners and retake the lost art of civility.